Dear Ludovic,

You are learning so many new things right now.  You have suddenly got the hang of “you” and “me”.  You can look at a photo and say that is “me”.  Before you would just have said “there’s Ludovic” or “Ludovic baby”.  You also understand that different people can be “you”.  So, when you were telling Granddad about the picture of the boat you said “that’s me and that’s you”. It’s funny to see you get your head round these difficult concepts.  You’ve also started using “she” quite a lot, maybe you believe all your toy cars are female (as in “where IS she mama? the orange digger with the backhoe? where HAS she gone?”)  I’m sure you’ll soon get the hang of “he” too.

With regards to the other words you are learning “oh s**t” is not a good one and Mummy wasn’t happy when you decided to share that one with everybody on the train. Loudly. Mummy has only said it a few times, like yesterday when she dropped the glass and it smashed or last week when she didn’t get the job she’d applied for. You are right Grandad B. does say “sugar” a lot, sugar is better than s**t. Please use sugar from now on.

Tense is another difficult one to deal with, it will take you years to learn, in fact Mummy still gets confused about it now, but she is pretty sure that you didn’t “do-ed something” (as in “I do-ed that all by my own self”) I think you mean, I did that on my own. Tricky one that, it gets even worse when you learn a different language and you realise that actually, English makes no sense at all. Mummy is glad she didn’t have to learn English as a second language because practically every rule has one hundred exceptions.

Keep up the good work love, you’ll soon be able to talk the hind legs off a donkey. If you ever have friends who speak another language you’ll have to explain what talking the hind legs off a donkey means, it’s another one of those things about the English language that doesn’t make sense.  Mummy has never seen a donkey without it’s back legs.Even if she did she would be highly skeptical that they fell off because someone wouldn’t stop talking.

Furthermore, if any of your friends are learning English as an another language you may need to explain that not all swear words are created equal.  Although s**t is the “worst” swear word you (currently) know, suffice it to say there are plenty others and in English they are on a sort of sliding scale of inappropriateness. You can usually get off with s**t in polite company under duress. I would avoid f**k at all costs, it’s just not polite and as I keep telling you, you need to use your manners.

Love

Mummy

Dear Ludovic,

You are quite correct the “little moon” gets bigger and bigger and BIGGER AND BIGGER until it is a “circle moon” then it gets smaller and smaller and SMALLER and SMALLER until it becomes a “little moon”.

Your Dad is right, the moon goes round and round (the earth) by gravity and yes gravity is the same thing that makes the tiddles fall down on In the Night Garden.  The tiddles are fountains of water that come out of the ground when Iggle-Piggle jumps on them.  You love that episode and roar with laughter every time he stamps on a tiddle.  Mummy thinks a tiddle is a stupid name for a fountain, she thinks it sounds like piddle and imagines Iggle Piggle is urinating everywhere.  Mummy can’t keep a straight face when she watches that episode and that is why.

Love

Mummy

Dear Ludovic,

You went to the cinema for the first time today. We went on the train with our friends Fay and John and we saw In the Night Garden.  You and John got an inflatable Pinky Ponk each and you were both thrilled to bits.  You are quite correct the cinema had “no windows ANYWHERE” and it wasn’t night time when we came out it was still day time. It is confusing, if Mummy has been to the cinema or the theatre in the middle of the day she expects it to be night time when she gets outside as well.

For your information, when you go to the cinema you don’t usually get to dance around right at the very front and you don’t get to swap seats every 2 minutes. Fortunately half the audience were under 3 and so didn’t notice this lack of cinema going etiquette on your part. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.  Mummy likes going to the cinema, but that is the first film she has seen at the cinema since you were born.  In fact the last time Mummy was at the cinema she was pregnant with you and every time the speakers boomed loudly (in Dolby Digital Surround Sound) you gave her a good kicking (from the inside out).  As you are male, you will never know what that feels like.  Suffice it to say it’s not pleasant and doesn’t improve the whole film watching experience.

Furthermore, let the record show that John wouldn’t put his inflatable Pinky Ponk down long enough to eat his breakfast and I had to prise your one out of your hand after you fell asleep.

Love

Mummy

Dear Ludovic,

Katy is not your “friend”. She is a presenter on childrens tv. She is not “wonderful”, she is annoying. Furthermore, you can not cook.

Love

Mummy

Dear Ludovic,

You had great fun today, you got to play the pipe organ in “normal church”. It did indeed make “A BIG NOISE” and “you managed it by your own self”. The noise did come out of the pipes in the roof.  The place where the pipes are is called the organ loft.  You are correct, organ pipes and exhaust pipes are different.  Organ pipes do not smoke. The white bit is a keyboard, you are right, it is like Mummy’s piano, a piano has a keyboard too. Computers have keyboards as well but they are different.

I hope you always enjoy music, there are lots of different types of music, it’s great fun to play and listen to lots of different types. In time, you’ll know what you like, don’t worry if it’s not the same as your friends. The world would be dull if everyone was the same.

Love

Mum

Dear Ludovic,

You are right, you have 2 legs. However, the dog has 4 legs, not 5.  His tail does not count as a leg.  He doesn’t use his tail to walk, that’s how Mummy knows it’s not a leg.

Love

Mummy

Dear Ludovic

Cuckoo and Hook are not the same.  I know they sound similar, but they are different.  Your crane does not have a cuckoo on the end.

Love

Mum

Dear Ludovic,

Grandad’s head is not “empty”.  That “orange bit” on top is a bald patch.  That means Grandad’s hair is falling out.  This happens as you get older, it happens to men more often than women.  It makes Grandad sad.  He has always be proud of his hair.

It will probably disappoint you to learn that going bald is genetic.  You are looking at your future buddy, 25 % of your genes are like Grandad’s so that’s going to happen you your hair too. Be nice to both your Grandad’s, hopefully one day you’ll be one yourself.

Love

Mum

Dear Ludovic,

It is getting dark earlier now. At night time, cars do not come inside your bedroom. You do hear them, they are outside on the road. I know the light from their headlights comes through the window but that does not mean the cars are in your room. The cars are outside. Light can shine through windows and curtains and noise can travel through walls and windows but the cars are still outside.

Love

Mum

Dear Ludovic,

For your information, crucnhy crunchy is more commonly known as “frost”.  You are right it is very white and the ground is very “bumpy” and hard. Frost only happens when it is cold, we don’t have frost every morning (well not yet anyway). Frost and snow are different. Frost does not mean that “santa will soon come”. It is many night-nights until Santa comes. Unfortunately frost melts, especially if it is sunny. Mummy can not make the frost come back and crying because the grass is green won’t help. Sorry.